Fall jitters

Fall is here, and I am starting to get nervous. The past 2 winters have been tough, living in the country, all my family 5 hours away, and tiny babies in the house. By February I felt closed in, trapped and lonely. And saw no end to the isolation until spring. It's so hard to take 2 or 3 children, who can barely walk, outside when it's freezing cold. They can only handle short trips, and just getting them out the door takes almost an hour of prep work. It was generally chaotic and sweaty (well, for me anyway).

This year should be different. The twins are 2 1/2, my son is 18 months, and they can (for the most part) listen to commands, and walk on their own. The other day we went to town, and as we were walking to the truck it struck me that I didn't have to carry anyone. All three kids walked on their own from the house to the truck, and it felt awesome! It's slightly bittersweet because it means they're not babies anymore, but our independence as a family feels very liberating. 

I'm also hoping to be back at work this winter. I'm scared shitless about it, but I need to be doing something meaningful outside of my home. How am I going to wrap my brain around caring for patients at work, then caring for my family and animals at home? I am hoping having a nanny will be the lifesaver here, because it all sounds very overwhelming to me. When will I ever get to shut my brain off?  

Oh ya. Never.

The beautiful gift and curse of motherhood. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I can feel the stares!

Through networking and searching, and fb groups I know there are tons of moms of multiples out there. I have also heard of moms who have a set of twins, and 6 other kids to care for. Or two sets of twins. Or someone with triplets, and twins on the way....THOSE people will have their hands full. THOSE people have a full house. And I suppose you would notice those families if they were walking in the grocery store. Why my family gets so much attention in public is always going to be a mystery to me.

I am saying this because I went to town twice this week...whoa, I know.....with my triple stroller. I'll admit, the kids do look like triplets being so close in age and size, which is certainly not common where I live. But at least half of the people I walk past look in awe, or turn around to sneak a longer look when my back is turned. I have 3 kids. I'm not a Duggar. 

We all look a bit goofy here...I had the camera on the tripod,  not an easy pic to get!

I remember being in a store with my double stroller which had two sweet 8 month olds....that attracts enough attention. Then people caught sight of my huge pregnant belly, and I was a walking freak show. 

My husband and I were in a restaurant when I was pregnant, the twins in highchairs, and the manager came to see us. (Probably because the waitress had told her about us....why???) 

She asked me about my situation, so I told her, and she looked at me with a straight face and asked,

 "Are you crazy? No, I mean really, are you crazy?" 

Who says that? First of all, it's none of your business why or how or why I ended up being pregnant 2 months after the twins, especially if you are going to stare at me like I have cut off my own nose. And second, there are thousands of women who are devastated because they cannot bear children, and for a while I thought I was going to be one of them. Why on earth would I view my life as anything but a miracle? Am I crazy? YA, I am a walking crazy miracle!!!

I think this is the only photo of me with the twins, while pregnant with TT.  It is a terrible photo. Like my hat?

 I live in a town where if something is out of norm, people have no problem staring. And apparently my triple stroller is not the norm. Today an employee in the store ran behind the counter to get her fellow co-workers and show them the stroller with the triplets. People, I can freaking hear you.  Moms of actual triplets must feel like a freak show too!

Out for a walk, at the moment no one was happy...except Gus the dog.

 I usually avoid any/all eye contact in public, like most moms of multiples. But often they insist on asking me something, or telling me "you have a full load there."  I never know what to say. I am generally embarrassed, and fake smile while I continue walking, and mutter "sure do, ha..ha..ha." I know most people mean well, but I literally avoid going out in public alone with my kids for this reason. It happens at least 10 times each time I get groceries. It gets old. And a bit annoying. 

On a positive note, my stroller can fit $180 worth of groceries packed on to it, including a box of diapers, a box of wipes, and 3 jugs of milk! That's my newest superpower!  

Back to basics

I am feeling like I need to step back and close my mind. I tend to get so deep into my own thoughts, I get stuck in my mind, and life gets foggy. After a while it feels like everything has (or is supposed to have) some sort of deep, spiritual meaning, or lesson.

Well....sometimes that's just not true. Sometimes things happen that have absolutely nothing to do with me. I do not need to internalize everything, and sometimes I think I just need to lighten up.

After a lifetime of worrying if something, anything, everything I did was the cause of heartache, I am trying to accept that I have no control. I have told myself this over and over, but it's harder to live by than it is to say. I can be proactive and educated, avoid shitty things as much as possible. But not everything is avoidable.

As I say this, I worry that I am missing something. I live each day mildly terrified that something horrible will happen. My past would indicate that this is certainly possible, at any given moment.

 But I am trying to breathe, smile, and just enjoy this day.

Twin flashback

I am remembering when the twins were little....when all they did was wiggle and squeak. And when they cried it didn't cause the neighbors to think I was beating them. They were so bald and chubby, in their "gender neutral" clothes.  Don't get me wrong, I had many days when I was overwhelmed and couldn't cope with another second (more nowadays, it seems), but I remember often thinking, "I could watch them do this all day". Even when they cried I found it adorable. 

As they scream in my face because I won't give them Goldfish crackers at 7am, I will try to remember this. 

Taking it all on

Ok, I am ready to go back to work now. I have been a stay at home mom for 2 years now, and I really love it. I have made many sacrifices to be able to stay at home. And I am not saying I want to work full time, but I am ready to have a life outside of my home. Somehow I feel like working will boost my confidence, maybe remind me that I am important to not just my little world, but the outside world too.

BUT...the biggest reason I want to go back to work, is so that we can have a nanny. Childcare would be much more expensive if I were to put the kids in daycare, not to mention the difficulty of getting 3 children under 2 out the door by 5:30am (*shudder*). A nanny is cheaper, and does laundry!

Anyway...having a nanny will also allow me time to spend with the kids. I'm not sure about other mums with lots of little ones, but I often feel guilt about not being able to spend enough one-on-one time with each child. I can see their behavior and attitude improve so much when they get time with each parent individually.

This is from our family photo shoot last august. Oh how the time flies. That sweet baby is now a whirlwind of mischief :)

I am also trying to lose my baby belly...slowly but surely. Having 3 babies in one year did a real number on my body. I don't expect to look like J Lo (not that I was ever happy with my body), but I HATE getting dressed. Each time I have to leave the house it's a struggle because I feel so uncomfortable with the "twinskin" under my clothes (google it, twinskin is a thing). So far I have lost about 15lbs, but I have quite a way to go before I am even in the healthy range for my height.

I am in a lull right now with diet and exercise...because I never sleep much. I did pretty good, and even enjoyed exercise two months ago. But since potty training, the twins are up many times each night. Combine that with their teething brother, and now an 8 week old puppy (I am insane, I know this) and I have nights when I am up 10 times. How the hell am I supposed to focus on eating right and exercising when I can't think straight? No, seriously...what is the answer to this? I beat myself to death about not being motivated, but it's not hard to understand why I can't muster the energy to go for a run at 9pm when I finally have a moment. Sigh. I don't mean to complain, I genuinely want to know how to do everything and not be a lunatic. HA.

Reality 101

Soooo... what in the world made me think my twins would potty train in a week? I guess I should have read more books, or something... because I seriously thought I failed when 2 months later we are still working on it. Another lesson learned, another reason to just accept your children as they are. Over and over I am seeing that my ability as a mother, as THE teacher to my children is perfect as it is. I am doing a good job. They are learning, and however I decide to teach them IS OK. If I do it differently from psycho mom, it's not wrong. It's not the same for everyone, and that IS OK. My insecurity about being a parent needs to bugger off now :)
Sooo even though Alibear gives me this face a lot....

It doesn't necessarily mean that's my fault. It's no one's fault...it's just her, and gosh do I love that face!

And just because Dreydrey looks so angelic most of the time.........

Doesn't mean I somehow made her like that.....it's just her!

I guess what I am saying is my family is a perfect example of how kids come out of the womb with HUGE personalities, all on their own. Yes, we affect them and how they behave. But I have 3 children who are so close in age, and are each so very different in how they react to me, the world, and each other. If someone can tell me how I managed to create that, I'd love to know! I am going to sincerely try to ignore the judgments of others, and stop internalizing it so much. But mostly, I am going to work harder at just enjoying the moment, because soon enough I will be crying about how my twin girls slammed the door in my face, lied to me, and screamed that they hate me..........I am honestly terrified.
HAHA!

Today is a better day

Soooo today is better. Yesterday was tough. At one point yesterday Ali-bear and I had a conversation on the potty that went like this:
A- "maaahm, how many times do I have to tell you? nooo pottyyyy."
(Keep in mind this came from my just 2 year old, so it sounded more like "maahm, how tie tow yewww...")
ME- you don't get to speak to me like that
A- screeched so loudly it hurt
ME-screamed so loudly it hurt.........
Then we are both crying. UGH. I am seriously scared for the next few years of terror tantrums. It's a christmas miracle she didn't get strangled!!

I feel like because my kids refuse to potty train it is somehow a failure on my part.  There is so much going on at any given moment with the three of them that I sometimes can't keep up...which make me irritated...which make me angry...which makes me have a "mommy tantrum." Yesterday I said to my husband, "today I feel like they just hate me."
 I have to tell you about a friend who described potty training training her 21 month old with the use of spanking and yelling after accidents. The most interesting part, to me, was that it worked. Within 3 days he stopped having accidents. I was impressed that it worked, but it is certainly is not my style. When teaching a child a new skill it seems pretty messed up to spank them when they don't get it. If I was teaching my kids to spell, and they misspelled a word, would it make sense to spank them? Not really.

Every kid is different, and needs a different approach. Having to apply 3 different approaches to 3 same-aged children at once....yah....not easy.
But then they look into my eyes and say "mom, no sad. No cry. Ok mom?" And I'm melted again. Today I got my do-over...I am happy to report two accidents between them today so far. Ahhhhhh...that's better. I may survive this yet!!

Potty training = kill me now

I started potty training the twins about a month ago. They are 25 months old. My thinking was that it could be easier to do now, before they are more defiant and know how to use it against me. Ohhh boy. They know how to use it against me. I have never felt more like screaming, more inadequate, or more like I don't know what the hell I am doing. Normally I feel like a pretty in control mom. I have had my "mommy tantrums," and any mom who doesn't...I would love to know how that is possible. But potty training has literally made me insane. They test me in ways that make me realize they are so much smarter than I ever thought. They have realized that they can get a reaction out of me, and they repeat until I react. My twins Ali-bear and Dreydrey, have tested me to my limits. We have days when we are all crying, yelling monsters. I see why many moms say "they're just not ready" and put potty training off for a while. I probably should. But I am just too stubborn. Over a month later and I still clean up an accident every other hour. Some days are better than others. The most frustrating part is how they flop roles. Dreydrey caught on instantly, and within 3 days was mostly accident free. A month later she suddnely refuses to use the potty ever, for 3 straight days. Peeing wherever she stands. SO FRUSTRATING. Ali-bear didn't pee on the potty even ONCE until eight days into it. A month later she figured it out and has been better. And my poor son TT, so ignored during all this, has been wonderful. My attention is always so divided between them, so they do anything to get more, even negative attention. There are so many conflicting ways to go about training and although some feel like they work for a moment, nothing seems to stick. Who knew 1) that potty training would be so consuming. And 2) that it would teach me sooo much about parenting.
Today I need a do-over. Tomorrow will be better.

How I got what I wished for

I have always found writing my thoughts out helps me get clear about what's going on for me. So let's see if sharing my thoughts public can help me get a better understanding of myself.

 After high school, all I wanted was to get married and have babies. But I went to school, got my nursing degree, and then got married.

3 weeks after our wedding my husband was diagnosed with testicular cancer. I cannot explain the devastation and fear as he had surgery to have the affected testicle removed. 6 months later they found that he had a tumor on his liver - the cancer had spread. At this point, although they reassured us that chemo was very effective against this type of cancer, I was sad, terrified, and angry that my husband had to go through this. His hair fell out, and my normally energetic and upbeat partner was lethargic and quiet. Many times I sobbed in the bathroom at the cancer center, unsure of my future, watching the love of my life in pain and discomfort.

The chemotherapy was successful, and I am thrilled to say that my hubby has been in remission for 5 years. However, a year after chemo, when we were trying to conceive our first baby, we found out that he was now completely sterile. I saw the report with his sperm count, and it read 0.00. I was once again left unsure of what my future would hold, and I knew we had a few months of testing and procedures ahead of us.
 Luckily, we banked sperm before chemo, and after only one round of fertility treatments we were pregnant with the twins! I had moments when I was worried we may not be able to ever have children naturally, so finding out we were having twins was a dream come true (even though some days I curse them!).

I was at my twin girls 4 month check up when the nurse asked if there was a chance I could be pregnant.
I confidently said "no," and wholeheartedly believed it. There was no chance, I had seen the report and my husband had a sperm count of zero.

Then I flippantly mentioned to the nurse that since I still hadn't had a period after I stopped nursing,  a few hours ago I had taken an expired pregnancy test at home, which couldn't have been correct because it was expired.

It was also positive.

Well, 5 days before the twins' first birthday, my son was born. A year later and life has changed into something I could never have predicted. I feel so lucky. I feel so crazy. I feel so misunderstood. It's sometimes hard to find someone to relate to. It's a good thing my kids are hilariously funny, and my husband is right in there with me. Or I'd be in the loony bin! Well, I just had to get the past off my chest, next time I write it will be to share a day in my life now. Here's a taste of what's to come: -potty training -sibling wars -somehow managing not to drink during the day.   Betcha you can't wait!