I can feel the stares!

Through networking and searching, and fb groups I know there are tons of moms of multiples out there. I have also heard of moms who have a set of twins, and 6 other kids to care for. Or two sets of twins. Or someone with triplets, and twins on the way....THOSE people will have their hands full. THOSE people have a full house. And I suppose you would notice those families if they were walking in the grocery store. Why my family gets so much attention in public is always going to be a mystery to me.

I am saying this because I went to town twice this week...whoa, I know.....with my triple stroller. I'll admit, the kids do look like triplets being so close in age and size, which is certainly not common where I live. But at least half of the people I walk past look in awe, or turn around to sneak a longer look when my back is turned. I have 3 kids. I'm not a Duggar. 

We all look a bit goofy here...I had the camera on the tripod,  not an easy pic to get!

I remember being in a store with my double stroller which had two sweet 8 month olds....that attracts enough attention. Then people caught sight of my huge pregnant belly, and I was a walking freak show. 

My husband and I were in a restaurant when I was pregnant, the twins in highchairs, and the manager came to see us. (Probably because the waitress had told her about us....why???) 

She asked me about my situation, so I told her, and she looked at me with a straight face and asked,

 "Are you crazy? No, I mean really, are you crazy?" 

Who says that? First of all, it's none of your business why or how or why I ended up being pregnant 2 months after the twins, especially if you are going to stare at me like I have cut off my own nose. And second, there are thousands of women who are devastated because they cannot bear children, and for a while I thought I was going to be one of them. Why on earth would I view my life as anything but a miracle? Am I crazy? YA, I am a walking crazy miracle!!!

I think this is the only photo of me with the twins, while pregnant with TT.  It is a terrible photo. Like my hat?

 I live in a town where if something is out of norm, people have no problem staring. And apparently my triple stroller is not the norm. Today an employee in the store ran behind the counter to get her fellow co-workers and show them the stroller with the triplets. People, I can freaking hear you.  Moms of actual triplets must feel like a freak show too!

Out for a walk, at the moment no one was happy...except Gus the dog.

 I usually avoid any/all eye contact in public, like most moms of multiples. But often they insist on asking me something, or telling me "you have a full load there."  I never know what to say. I am generally embarrassed, and fake smile while I continue walking, and mutter "sure do, ha..ha..ha." I know most people mean well, but I literally avoid going out in public alone with my kids for this reason. It happens at least 10 times each time I get groceries. It gets old. And a bit annoying. 

On a positive note, my stroller can fit $180 worth of groceries packed on to it, including a box of diapers, a box of wipes, and 3 jugs of milk! That's my newest superpower!  

Twin flashback

I am remembering when the twins were little....when all they did was wiggle and squeak. And when they cried it didn't cause the neighbors to think I was beating them. They were so bald and chubby, in their "gender neutral" clothes.  Don't get me wrong, I had many days when I was overwhelmed and couldn't cope with another second (more nowadays, it seems), but I remember often thinking, "I could watch them do this all day". Even when they cried I found it adorable. 

As they scream in my face because I won't give them Goldfish crackers at 7am, I will try to remember this. 

Reality 101

Soooo... what in the world made me think my twins would potty train in a week? I guess I should have read more books, or something... because I seriously thought I failed when 2 months later we are still working on it. Another lesson learned, another reason to just accept your children as they are. Over and over I am seeing that my ability as a mother, as THE teacher to my children is perfect as it is. I am doing a good job. They are learning, and however I decide to teach them IS OK. If I do it differently from psycho mom, it's not wrong. It's not the same for everyone, and that IS OK. My insecurity about being a parent needs to bugger off now :)
Sooo even though Alibear gives me this face a lot....

It doesn't necessarily mean that's my fault. It's no one's fault...it's just her, and gosh do I love that face!

And just because Dreydrey looks so angelic most of the time.........

Doesn't mean I somehow made her like that.....it's just her!

I guess what I am saying is my family is a perfect example of how kids come out of the womb with HUGE personalities, all on their own. Yes, we affect them and how they behave. But I have 3 children who are so close in age, and are each so very different in how they react to me, the world, and each other. If someone can tell me how I managed to create that, I'd love to know! I am going to sincerely try to ignore the judgments of others, and stop internalizing it so much. But mostly, I am going to work harder at just enjoying the moment, because soon enough I will be crying about how my twin girls slammed the door in my face, lied to me, and screamed that they hate me..........I am honestly terrified.
HAHA!

Today is a better day

Soooo today is better. Yesterday was tough. At one point yesterday Ali-bear and I had a conversation on the potty that went like this:
A- "maaahm, how many times do I have to tell you? nooo pottyyyy."
(Keep in mind this came from my just 2 year old, so it sounded more like "maahm, how tie tow yewww...")
ME- you don't get to speak to me like that
A- screeched so loudly it hurt
ME-screamed so loudly it hurt.........
Then we are both crying. UGH. I am seriously scared for the next few years of terror tantrums. It's a christmas miracle she didn't get strangled!!

I feel like because my kids refuse to potty train it is somehow a failure on my part.  There is so much going on at any given moment with the three of them that I sometimes can't keep up...which make me irritated...which make me angry...which makes me have a "mommy tantrum." Yesterday I said to my husband, "today I feel like they just hate me."
 I have to tell you about a friend who described potty training training her 21 month old with the use of spanking and yelling after accidents. The most interesting part, to me, was that it worked. Within 3 days he stopped having accidents. I was impressed that it worked, but it is certainly is not my style. When teaching a child a new skill it seems pretty messed up to spank them when they don't get it. If I was teaching my kids to spell, and they misspelled a word, would it make sense to spank them? Not really.

Every kid is different, and needs a different approach. Having to apply 3 different approaches to 3 same-aged children at once....yah....not easy.
But then they look into my eyes and say "mom, no sad. No cry. Ok mom?" And I'm melted again. Today I got my do-over...I am happy to report two accidents between them today so far. Ahhhhhh...that's better. I may survive this yet!!

Potty training = kill me now

I started potty training the twins about a month ago. They are 25 months old. My thinking was that it could be easier to do now, before they are more defiant and know how to use it against me. Ohhh boy. They know how to use it against me. I have never felt more like screaming, more inadequate, or more like I don't know what the hell I am doing. Normally I feel like a pretty in control mom. I have had my "mommy tantrums," and any mom who doesn't...I would love to know how that is possible. But potty training has literally made me insane. They test me in ways that make me realize they are so much smarter than I ever thought. They have realized that they can get a reaction out of me, and they repeat until I react. My twins Ali-bear and Dreydrey, have tested me to my limits. We have days when we are all crying, yelling monsters. I see why many moms say "they're just not ready" and put potty training off for a while. I probably should. But I am just too stubborn. Over a month later and I still clean up an accident every other hour. Some days are better than others. The most frustrating part is how they flop roles. Dreydrey caught on instantly, and within 3 days was mostly accident free. A month later she suddnely refuses to use the potty ever, for 3 straight days. Peeing wherever she stands. SO FRUSTRATING. Ali-bear didn't pee on the potty even ONCE until eight days into it. A month later she figured it out and has been better. And my poor son TT, so ignored during all this, has been wonderful. My attention is always so divided between them, so they do anything to get more, even negative attention. There are so many conflicting ways to go about training and although some feel like they work for a moment, nothing seems to stick. Who knew 1) that potty training would be so consuming. And 2) that it would teach me sooo much about parenting.
Today I need a do-over. Tomorrow will be better.

How I got what I wished for

I have always found writing my thoughts out helps me get clear about what's going on for me. So let's see if sharing my thoughts public can help me get a better understanding of myself.

 After high school, all I wanted was to get married and have babies. But I went to school, got my nursing degree, and then got married.

3 weeks after our wedding my husband was diagnosed with testicular cancer. I cannot explain the devastation and fear as he had surgery to have the affected testicle removed. 6 months later they found that he had a tumor on his liver - the cancer had spread. At this point, although they reassured us that chemo was very effective against this type of cancer, I was sad, terrified, and angry that my husband had to go through this. His hair fell out, and my normally energetic and upbeat partner was lethargic and quiet. Many times I sobbed in the bathroom at the cancer center, unsure of my future, watching the love of my life in pain and discomfort.

The chemotherapy was successful, and I am thrilled to say that my hubby has been in remission for 5 years. However, a year after chemo, when we were trying to conceive our first baby, we found out that he was now completely sterile. I saw the report with his sperm count, and it read 0.00. I was once again left unsure of what my future would hold, and I knew we had a few months of testing and procedures ahead of us.
 Luckily, we banked sperm before chemo, and after only one round of fertility treatments we were pregnant with the twins! I had moments when I was worried we may not be able to ever have children naturally, so finding out we were having twins was a dream come true (even though some days I curse them!).

I was at my twin girls 4 month check up when the nurse asked if there was a chance I could be pregnant.
I confidently said "no," and wholeheartedly believed it. There was no chance, I had seen the report and my husband had a sperm count of zero.

Then I flippantly mentioned to the nurse that since I still hadn't had a period after I stopped nursing,  a few hours ago I had taken an expired pregnancy test at home, which couldn't have been correct because it was expired.

It was also positive.

Well, 5 days before the twins' first birthday, my son was born. A year later and life has changed into something I could never have predicted. I feel so lucky. I feel so crazy. I feel so misunderstood. It's sometimes hard to find someone to relate to. It's a good thing my kids are hilariously funny, and my husband is right in there with me. Or I'd be in the loony bin! Well, I just had to get the past off my chest, next time I write it will be to share a day in my life now. Here's a taste of what's to come: -potty training -sibling wars -somehow managing not to drink during the day.   Betcha you can't wait!