Serious moment here, sorry...

Sorry in advance. I am sad and may, inadvertently, make you sad too.

This year, the Christmas holidays were hard for me. I have trouble talking about why, for lots of reasons.... Some people don't understand. It makes my mom cry when I talk about it. I'm not sure anyone cares. I'm afraid someone will say something hurtful, intentionally or not. I have to bare my heart to talk about this, and part of me wants to keep it all inside, and never let it go. Because once it's out, you can't take it back. And it is very personal and sacred.

But it is therapeutic for me to express myself. So I will.

Nursing school was a struggle. I worked my ass off to get into the program, never had enough money, and had to commute 2 hours every weekend to go home and see my husband. But the biggest struggle came at the end of my second year of nursing. I was just over a week away from finishing the semester when I got a phone call that changed my life. My younger brother was in the hospital, and it was bad.

My brother suffered with severe asthma his entire life. He had many hospital visits as a kid, and always carried around an array of inhalers to manage his wheezing. Looking back, I don't think his asthma was ever really under control. We just got used to the wheezing and shortness of breath, and it seemed normal.

In my mind, when I try to picture him, it's most often him at about this age.

My brother and I were very close. My mum was a single mother, and worked long hours, leaving me and my bro home alone a lot. We were only 2 and a half years apart in age, and rarely fought. We laughed a lot, stuck up for each other, covered for each other, and generally spent a lot of time together. He willingly held my hand until he was 11 years old. I loved hanging out with him.  When I moved out in high school, I missed him more than I missed my mom. He was always around, tagging along with me, and I enjoyed it. Most of all, he was my shoulder to cry on. I could confess anything to him, and he always listened, was generous with hugs and smiles, and made me feel better.

This picture is not the best, but I don't have access to others at the moment. My older brother is on the left, my younger brother on the right, and my silly nephew is at the bottom.

He had gotten in to technical college shortly after high school, and was in a program to become a train conductor. On his way home from classes one day, while walking to the c-train station, he suddenly collapsed. He was alone. A bystander called 911, but by the time they arrived he was in full arrest, and wasn't breathing. They did CPR for 20 minutes before he "came back.'

They did testing and found that he had an asthma attack so severe, it had caused almost instant respiratory arrest. They have no idea what caused the attack. There was no evidence of an allergic reaction, which could have triggered his asthma. We don't know if he was running, frightened, doing something strenuous...we will never know. But his body had failed, and lifesaving efforts had brought him back.

He spent 7 days in ICU, on full life support. A respirator, 4 chest tubes, catheter, feeding tube, and 9 IV tubes running continuously, kept his body going. During his time there he had many seizures, which indicated he had some brain damage from lack of oxygen before EMS arrived. He didn't look like my baby brother. He was puffy  from head to toe, his normally animated face was slack and pale. We were desperate to connect with him, to reach the beautiful person we knew was somewhere inside. We played music for him, sang to him, brought him healing stones and nick-nacks. It was amazing to us, even though he was unconscious, we could tell if he was having a bad day or not. Somehow we could sense if he was struggling that day, or making a little progress the next.

Eventually the doctors came and told us that his organs were failing. They were trying everything they could, but his body was shutting down anyway. On top of that, the oxygen deprivation likely also caused permanent brain damage, and there was no way to know if he would function normally if he survived. We had to make a decision. Force his body to go on and delay what would inevitably happen anyway, or let him go.

We chose to let him go. We could sense that he was tired, that it was getting harder for him to hang on. We wept together, and discussed how this decision felt right, and how we had no regrets. He was loved, respected, and cherished, and he knew this.

So with dignity and heartbreak, we turned off the machines, put our hands on his chest, and felt the very last beat of his heart. We told him to rest now, everything was ok, just rest, you don't have to fight anymore. We were right. He was tired. He was gone within minutes. It killed me to watch my mother weep for her baby. My older brother and I, through choking and suffocating tears, sang him a childhood lullaby. He was 19 years old.

This is a memory I both cherish, and despise. The entire week in hospital replays in my head. Often, it pervades over any happy memories, and my heart breaks all over again. The sensation of his very last heartbeat against my hand, and the lack of sensation that came after, tore a hole in my heart that will NEVER be repaired. And if I allow myself to focus on it, to see it in my mind, it consumes me for a moment and I feel unable to move. With the love and support of my family and friends, I try to refocus on happier times, and good memories. And I know what a gift it was, to be there, and feel his last breath. We got to say goodbye, kiss him one last time, and feel his spirit fly. So even though it hurts, I am grateful for this memory.

But how has life gone on? How have I lived without my baby brother? Some days I honestly don't know, but it has been 7 years. At times, it is still raw and fresh. He would be proud of me, of the mother I have become, of my home, my children. He would be a fun and awkward uncle, making goofy faces and teaching my kids swear words. He would tease me for whining about being a stay at home mom, and remind me to lighten up, like he always did. I miss him in my life, and have trouble feeling him near me sometimes. The grief comes and goes in waves, and this year I felt the emptiness of Christmas without him, and the wave felt like a freakin' tsunami.

Anyway, sorry for the sad break here. Sometimes the heart has something to say. Next time will be much less heavy, I promise. I'll talk about how my daughter pooped somewhere, and it was funny...or something.

Fall jitters

Fall is here, and I am starting to get nervous. The past 2 winters have been tough, living in the country, all my family 5 hours away, and tiny babies in the house. By February I felt closed in, trapped and lonely. And saw no end to the isolation until spring. It's so hard to take 2 or 3 children, who can barely walk, outside when it's freezing cold. They can only handle short trips, and just getting them out the door takes almost an hour of prep work. It was generally chaotic and sweaty (well, for me anyway).

This year should be different. The twins are 2 1/2, my son is 18 months, and they can (for the most part) listen to commands, and walk on their own. The other day we went to town, and as we were walking to the truck it struck me that I didn't have to carry anyone. All three kids walked on their own from the house to the truck, and it felt awesome! It's slightly bittersweet because it means they're not babies anymore, but our independence as a family feels very liberating. 

I'm also hoping to be back at work this winter. I'm scared shitless about it, but I need to be doing something meaningful outside of my home. How am I going to wrap my brain around caring for patients at work, then caring for my family and animals at home? I am hoping having a nanny will be the lifesaver here, because it all sounds very overwhelming to me. When will I ever get to shut my brain off?  

Oh ya. Never.

The beautiful gift and curse of motherhood. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I can feel the stares!

Through networking and searching, and fb groups I know there are tons of moms of multiples out there. I have also heard of moms who have a set of twins, and 6 other kids to care for. Or two sets of twins. Or someone with triplets, and twins on the way....THOSE people will have their hands full. THOSE people have a full house. And I suppose you would notice those families if they were walking in the grocery store. Why my family gets so much attention in public is always going to be a mystery to me.

I am saying this because I went to town twice this week...whoa, I know.....with my triple stroller. I'll admit, the kids do look like triplets being so close in age and size, which is certainly not common where I live. But at least half of the people I walk past look in awe, or turn around to sneak a longer look when my back is turned. I have 3 kids. I'm not a Duggar. 

We all look a bit goofy here...I had the camera on the tripod,  not an easy pic to get!

I remember being in a store with my double stroller which had two sweet 8 month olds....that attracts enough attention. Then people caught sight of my huge pregnant belly, and I was a walking freak show. 

My husband and I were in a restaurant when I was pregnant, the twins in highchairs, and the manager came to see us. (Probably because the waitress had told her about us....why???) 

She asked me about my situation, so I told her, and she looked at me with a straight face and asked,

 "Are you crazy? No, I mean really, are you crazy?" 

Who says that? First of all, it's none of your business why or how or why I ended up being pregnant 2 months after the twins, especially if you are going to stare at me like I have cut off my own nose. And second, there are thousands of women who are devastated because they cannot bear children, and for a while I thought I was going to be one of them. Why on earth would I view my life as anything but a miracle? Am I crazy? YA, I am a walking crazy miracle!!!

I think this is the only photo of me with the twins, while pregnant with TT.  It is a terrible photo. Like my hat?

 I live in a town where if something is out of norm, people have no problem staring. And apparently my triple stroller is not the norm. Today an employee in the store ran behind the counter to get her fellow co-workers and show them the stroller with the triplets. People, I can freaking hear you.  Moms of actual triplets must feel like a freak show too!

Out for a walk, at the moment no one was happy...except Gus the dog.

 I usually avoid any/all eye contact in public, like most moms of multiples. But often they insist on asking me something, or telling me "you have a full load there."  I never know what to say. I am generally embarrassed, and fake smile while I continue walking, and mutter "sure do, ha..ha..ha." I know most people mean well, but I literally avoid going out in public alone with my kids for this reason. It happens at least 10 times each time I get groceries. It gets old. And a bit annoying. 

On a positive note, my stroller can fit $180 worth of groceries packed on to it, including a box of diapers, a box of wipes, and 3 jugs of milk! That's my newest superpower!  

Back to basics

I am feeling like I need to step back and close my mind. I tend to get so deep into my own thoughts, I get stuck in my mind, and life gets foggy. After a while it feels like everything has (or is supposed to have) some sort of deep, spiritual meaning, or lesson.

Well....sometimes that's just not true. Sometimes things happen that have absolutely nothing to do with me. I do not need to internalize everything, and sometimes I think I just need to lighten up.

After a lifetime of worrying if something, anything, everything I did was the cause of heartache, I am trying to accept that I have no control. I have told myself this over and over, but it's harder to live by than it is to say. I can be proactive and educated, avoid shitty things as much as possible. But not everything is avoidable.

As I say this, I worry that I am missing something. I live each day mildly terrified that something horrible will happen. My past would indicate that this is certainly possible, at any given moment.

 But I am trying to breathe, smile, and just enjoy this day.

Twin flashback

I am remembering when the twins were little....when all they did was wiggle and squeak. And when they cried it didn't cause the neighbors to think I was beating them. They were so bald and chubby, in their "gender neutral" clothes.  Don't get me wrong, I had many days when I was overwhelmed and couldn't cope with another second (more nowadays, it seems), but I remember often thinking, "I could watch them do this all day". Even when they cried I found it adorable. 

As they scream in my face because I won't give them Goldfish crackers at 7am, I will try to remember this. 

Taking it all on

Ok, I am ready to go back to work now. I have been a stay at home mom for 2 years now, and I really love it. I have made many sacrifices to be able to stay at home. And I am not saying I want to work full time, but I am ready to have a life outside of my home. Somehow I feel like working will boost my confidence, maybe remind me that I am important to not just my little world, but the outside world too.

BUT...the biggest reason I want to go back to work, is so that we can have a nanny. Childcare would be much more expensive if I were to put the kids in daycare, not to mention the difficulty of getting 3 children under 2 out the door by 5:30am (*shudder*). A nanny is cheaper, and does laundry!

Anyway...having a nanny will also allow me time to spend with the kids. I'm not sure about other mums with lots of little ones, but I often feel guilt about not being able to spend enough one-on-one time with each child. I can see their behavior and attitude improve so much when they get time with each parent individually.

This is from our family photo shoot last august. Oh how the time flies. That sweet baby is now a whirlwind of mischief :)

I am also trying to lose my baby belly...slowly but surely. Having 3 babies in one year did a real number on my body. I don't expect to look like J Lo (not that I was ever happy with my body), but I HATE getting dressed. Each time I have to leave the house it's a struggle because I feel so uncomfortable with the "twinskin" under my clothes (google it, twinskin is a thing). So far I have lost about 15lbs, but I have quite a way to go before I am even in the healthy range for my height.

I am in a lull right now with diet and exercise...because I never sleep much. I did pretty good, and even enjoyed exercise two months ago. But since potty training, the twins are up many times each night. Combine that with their teething brother, and now an 8 week old puppy (I am insane, I know this) and I have nights when I am up 10 times. How the hell am I supposed to focus on eating right and exercising when I can't think straight? No, seriously...what is the answer to this? I beat myself to death about not being motivated, but it's not hard to understand why I can't muster the energy to go for a run at 9pm when I finally have a moment. Sigh. I don't mean to complain, I genuinely want to know how to do everything and not be a lunatic. HA.

Reality 101

Soooo... what in the world made me think my twins would potty train in a week? I guess I should have read more books, or something... because I seriously thought I failed when 2 months later we are still working on it. Another lesson learned, another reason to just accept your children as they are. Over and over I am seeing that my ability as a mother, as THE teacher to my children is perfect as it is. I am doing a good job. They are learning, and however I decide to teach them IS OK. If I do it differently from psycho mom, it's not wrong. It's not the same for everyone, and that IS OK. My insecurity about being a parent needs to bugger off now :)
Sooo even though Alibear gives me this face a lot....

It doesn't necessarily mean that's my fault. It's no one's fault...it's just her, and gosh do I love that face!

And just because Dreydrey looks so angelic most of the time.........

Doesn't mean I somehow made her like that.....it's just her!

I guess what I am saying is my family is a perfect example of how kids come out of the womb with HUGE personalities, all on their own. Yes, we affect them and how they behave. But I have 3 children who are so close in age, and are each so very different in how they react to me, the world, and each other. If someone can tell me how I managed to create that, I'd love to know! I am going to sincerely try to ignore the judgments of others, and stop internalizing it so much. But mostly, I am going to work harder at just enjoying the moment, because soon enough I will be crying about how my twin girls slammed the door in my face, lied to me, and screamed that they hate me..........I am honestly terrified.
HAHA!